a shadow........

a shadow lies on my heart........it is there everpresent,omnipotent. it is something which dwells deep in my heart but rises to the surface once in a while n when it does......it takes away everything with it. it is as if a flood that overwhelms me n then recedes back where it came from. however,it never clears things up! it,in fact,clutters everything n just raises more n more questions as time goes by.
i feel hopeless.....if that is the correct word! i feel that there is nothing meaningful in life whether it be success or failure,happiness or sadness,virtues or vices....all are trapped in something.......something endless.......in the words of Howard Roark ' there is a principle behind it'!! i,too,have to recognise that principle,that funda that would explain things to me. the thing which makes me identify with Guru Dutt more than anything else is that same feeling,that same hopelessness!!! in his words 'ye duniya agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai?' meaning if u have this world...so what? one of his more personal lines to his closest friend was that 'i wanted to become a great director, i became one. i wanted to be an actor,i became one, i have money,fame,glory, i have everything n yet,i have nothing.' these words more explicitly explain my heart than anything else i could have written.
what makes me fear this......this mood swing.....is that this time it has lasted longer n i'm afraid that it will keep on increasing with time n age. i dont want to end up hating my life,myself,my parents,my bro n sis,my husband n my kids!!!! because at this point,nothing n none give me that satisfaction,that mental peace,that anchor to rest my restless thoughts.
what will happen?