a shadow........

a shadow lies on my heart........it is there everpresent,omnipotent. it is something which dwells deep in my heart but rises to the surface once in a while n when it does......it takes away everything with it. it is as if a flood that overwhelms me n then recedes back where it came from. however,it never clears things up! it,in fact,clutters everything n just raises more n more questions as time goes by.
i feel hopeless.....if that is the correct word! i feel that there is nothing meaningful in life whether it be success or failure,happiness or sadness,virtues or vices....all are trapped in something.......something endless.......in the words of Howard Roark ' there is a principle behind it'!! i,too,have to recognise that principle,that funda that would explain things to me. the thing which makes me identify with Guru Dutt more than anything else is that same feeling,that same hopelessness!!! in his words 'ye duniya agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai?' meaning if u have this world...so what? one of his more personal lines to his closest friend was that 'i wanted to become a great director, i became one. i wanted to be an actor,i became one, i have money,fame,glory, i have everything n yet,i have nothing.' these words more explicitly explain my heart than anything else i could have written.
what makes me fear this......this mood swing.....is that this time it has lasted longer n i'm afraid that it will keep on increasing with time n age. i dont want to end up hating my life,myself,my parents,my bro n sis,my husband n my kids!!!! because at this point,nothing n none give me that satisfaction,that mental peace,that anchor to rest my restless thoughts.
what will happen?

an insignificant struggle as a muslim..

too many thoughts n too many emotions cloud my mind sometimes.....it is never clear to me where i should i start from....coz i have an extreme urge to write down as many details as possible....from the point the music started to the point when the light flashed in different colors making me think every time that must be how savages used to dance around a lit fire,risen to unknown n undefinable passions as the shadows dances around them n they around the shadows......
what happened was that it was my closest friend's bday n we went to a disco!!! see the big deal here?? finish it later

the thing abt life

the thing is that i really liked that guy, n the best part was that i thought he liked me too. my self esteem was so low that i used to think that this guy or any guy who showed interest in me was a really good person coz who would want to be with me? but after coming to college day after day n looking at people n hearing my friends tell me- i have started to believe that no! I'm not ugly,i'm not repellant that people cant bear to look at me coz that's what i thought! i'm pretty cute actually with shoving modesty in the cupboard for a minute!! n after my brother told me...my belief in myself has risen to great heights. he told me that i was,in fact, beautiful! n knowing him,i know he wasnt being nice,he was being honest n that has meant a lot to me!
the thing is this guy at college was one of the first guys i was interested in and seeing that my self esteem is going to take some time to grow up,i was flattered when he showed interest in me too. but the problem is he isnt a nice guy,he never was n i'm finally free of him. i'm free of him frm my thoughts n mind! i'm going forward to explore new avenues with a smarter brain for a change! this is the thing abt life....it surprises u! teaches u n gives a new twist here n there. thats why i've always found life a very interesting character n it has reaffirmed my belief in it again.
lets see what happens next...

tiluk kamod - khuda k liye

the quiteness in his voice mesmerised me n captured my heart n soul....this song reaffirmed my belief in music n its sweetness n delicacy at expressing unsaid emotions.....the words are not much too deep or hold a special significance.....they're just syllables of music like do re mi etc but there r some words n they.........just make u rock urself to sleep or just let u go to a place in ur heart that u never knew existed! the song makes u feel hopeful,excited,wondering n gives u a new thirst for life. its as if drinking crystal clear,fresh water after drinking pollouted water for so long......or to be exact....breathing in fresh,pure air after such a long time! i wonder what this song says to me? it makes me alive again........n i feel so rarely alive! i wish i felt that often but this temporary feeling seems more precious. its as if a near death experience is more important to an immortal than a long life! i feel alive today listening to this song....lets see how long it lasts.....tc

the latest developments!!!

if life is given a role to play in a drama, say it is supposed to play a character, what would be that character like?? i can say this without any hesitation that it will be a hilarious character! it will be a mixture of tragedy n comedy n goodness n caprice!! it will be everything a human being is! that is,a good natured villain! or a bad person with goodness up to the brim!! how can that be possible? every single line is in contradiction here! but then human beings.....as life shows me now then.....are exactly like that!
i used to wish that people stuck to their sides,that is, good people stay good or be good all over and bad people be really bad n not show any goodness or anything at all,to be honest. but as i've grown up and understood this complicated world n its people....i've realized that nothing in this life is black or white.....sometimes both the colors mix and an area emerges called a gray area. n with this wisdom i armed myself, prepared to battle the world n the people in it! yet,again......life in its confusing n mind boggling ways has shaken my fundas again!!! i hate life! it plays with me! it is like an elder who hides its smile behind its hand when it sees a toddler like me trying to put a toy in the box! ooofff!!!
let me start with my personal n latest experiences!! there is a guy in my college that i really like......yep!! i know its pretty Clea Shae but bear with me here!! well, i like him n well....there is nothing more to it! i have never spoken to him n he has never spoken to me,we r almost strangers except that our eyes talk.......yeah........kill me!! now!! anyway,this has been going on for the last six months n strangely,the situation has become kind of like that his grp of friends are arch rivals of my grp of friends!!! n we have never spoken to each other!!!! how can that be possible??? of all things to happen!!!! n here is the strangest of all things......nobody likes him much. he is considered arrogant, self centered n what not n all this on the surface! which is true,by the way! but he sometimes shows unexpected emotions which are seriously not like him! ok,that aside- why dont people like him? men dont like him,women dont like him,elders dont like him! why?what r they threatened abt? what am i not threatened abt? that's why i believe life is one of the most hilarious,comic n melodramatic characters ever! things happen in such strange ways........
for now,as my fundas are shaken.......i have no wisdom to impart to myself...let alone others!!! lets see what happens.......
ak